Once upon a time, in a land known as baseball, there was a saying that went, “Chicks dig the long ball.” Now, our favorite American pastime seems to have fully embraced this adage, and guess what? It’s not just the home run stats that are going through the roof, but baseball card collections as well. So, hold onto your card sleeves—there’s a new sensation in town, and it goes by the name of “torpedo” bats. These custom-designed hitting marvels have turned mere mortals into home run-hitting deities, and the ripple effect is shaking up the baseball card collector’s market like never before.
Picture this: the Milwaukee Brewers, a team known for their prowess as much as their fantastic selection of brews, stood in stupified awe as the New York Yankees unleashed a barrage of 15 home runs in their opening series. Ladies and gentlemen, that’s right—15 homers. To put it into perspective, nine of those celestial spheres went yard in a single game. If you’re a pitcher, you might want to start considering alternative employment—perhaps as a writer for those eulogies baseball cards give to their sanctified subjects, because this might be the start of the extinction era for the mound’s knights.
The “torpedo” bat, so endearingly named for its distinctive shape, has become the Excalibur for the chosen hitters. These splendid pieces of lumber are not some one-size-fits-all phenomenon. No, they are individually tailored to the preferences and whims of each player, making every crack of the bat as personal as a sonnet or a love letter written to the baseball gods. The outcome of this precision craftsmanship? Baseballs are redirected on exit angles that defy Euclidean geometry and are launched into the stratosphere with the nonchalance of a seasoned space agency.
Collectors of baseball cards now find themselves at an intriguing crossroads. With Aaron Judge’s cards experiencing a volcanic surge in value following the Yankees’ cosmic home run display, it is becoming abundantly clear: pardon my language, but go big, or go home on hitters. It’s irrelevant that Judge himself has yet to wield one of these torpedo sluggers. The association with the team setting homer records sends collectors into a frenzy akin to an auction house hosting a rare Picassos sale.
Not all is well under the diamond’s sun, however. The increased propensity for moonshots might mean not-so-grand news for the cards of pitching virtuosos. Take last season’s NL Rookie of the Year, Paul Skenes, for instance, inspiration incarnate for those who seek to perfect the art of throwing baseballs past batters. The rise of the torpedo wielders means card values of ace pitchers could be spiraling faster than that one knuckleball that makes it out of a rookie starter’s hand. Young prospects, talents like the Tigers’ Jackson Jobe or Dodgers’ Roki Sasaki, could find their collectible stock blunted unless Major League Baseball intervenes just in time.
Enter Shohei Ohtani, that unicorn-in-human-form who’s equally adept at sending baseballs into orbit and sending batters back to the bench. One cannot help but wonder if, basking in the warm, diamond-centric glow of torpedo bats, he might lean more heavily into his offensive alter ego this season. Considering Los Angeles’s status as a city that reveres long balls as much as it does delivering surreal sunset views, it might not be just the Dodgers’ fans who wouldn’t mind an Ohtani offensive showcase—collectors, too, stand to gain from his dual exploits.
For pitchers, the season ahead looks like it could become a test of mental resilience. Between facing these torpedo bats and seeing their card valuations potentially shrink, adapting might feel like a Sisyphean task well worth re-reading Kafka for motivational solace.
Now, for the swashbuckling card collector, an intrepid explorer in this new baseball ecosystem, the message couldn’t be clearer: the sizzling tale of the torpedo bats has only just begun, painting sluggers as electric Beethovens of the batswing concerto. So prepare to chart this exciting narrative on cardboard with ink and nostalgia, for every homer now adds another chapter to baseball’s timeless epic—a page torn straight from the story of derring-do, delineated by heroes whose legendary prowess will soon grace another must-have collector’s item.
So go forth, mighty investor in the shrine of baseball nostalgia, and may you find your own place among the annals of those who foresaw the rise of the torpedo bat era.
